


The sun behind the clouds

by AvaDiablo



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 16:09:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4712198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvaDiablo/pseuds/AvaDiablo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ohno sat on the hill side staring down at the meadow below him. It was partially sunny and the heat oppressive. His clothes stuck to his body even if he didn't really do anything to break out in sweat. But it felt good to just sit here. After all, he had chosen to come here because here was where no one could find him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The sun behind the clouds

Ohno sat on the hill side staring down at the meadow below him. It was partially sunny and the heat oppressive. His clothes stuck to his body even if he didn't really do anything to break out in sweat. But it felt good to just sit here. After all, he had chosen to come here because here was where no one could find him. He had to deal with things. And he had to deal with them on his own, and while the others meant well, there was only so much they could actually do for him. And the state he was in right now wasn't going to go away that easily - even though he could always 'hide' behind the facade of just being 'spaced out'. Which was normal for him as his mind was often preoccupied with stuff that happened around him. He'd rather sat and watch the others than deal with all the things happening in their shows. He'd just laugh and joke when prompted. It was like Ninomiya and his games. He looked absent-minded, but he knew very well what was going on around him while he played. 

However they went about the current situation, it didn't change anything. He felt guiltier every day for seemingly taking so much of their hard earned free time; which he didn't even asked for. They spend time with him on their own accord, but still he felt guilty. And he felt guilty for hiding from them now; because he very well knew they wouldn't rest until they had found him. Too bad for them; he didn't want to be found for the time being.

He just needed to think, or not think. He just needed to be. To be alone, be on his own; be in the here and now to figure things out, to be in the past reminiscing and to find his smile again. And he needed to think of the future which inevitably was waiting for him. The responsibly weighed on him. The responsibility of their group, their friendship, their shows, their interviews. It continued and it didn't change. He couldn't show the change even if he felt like he had changed; he just needed to find out if he had changed for the better or the worst.

Ohno listened to the sounds of nature. The bees buzzing, birds chirping and crickets making a whole lot of noise. He had first opted to travel to the seaside. He had rented a boat for today and had left early in the morning; before even Sakurai had found his way to his apartment. And Sakurai Sho was an extreme early riser. There was no doubt in his mind Sho had alerted the others within the hour of discovering he wasn't there. He'd probably had Nino come over with the spare key to make sure he wasn't passed out somewhere. They'd probably back track and find his reservation to the boat. It was just coincidental that he thought about the brilliance of this place when the train passed the meadow he knew so well by now. So instead of riding the line to the shore, he got off mid way and hired a bicycle like he used to do and found himself a little at peace riding while the wind blew through his hair as he made his way over here. 

Lying on his back in the high grass Ohno looked up seeing the clouded sky with the partial sun peeping through. Beams of sunlight lit the field sporadically and he remembered how he used to run from one spot to the next, laughing as the grass tickled between his toes and against the soles of his feet. He remembered the happiness, the freedom; feeling untouchable. Everything was right in that one moment. The world made sense again. Because in that one moment he wasn't Ohno Satoshi, Leader of Arashi; in the moment he was Satoshi-kun simply because he chose to be that person.

He swallowed hard, watching the leaves of the old oak rustle high above him. He felt the tears burn; tears he wanted to spill and yet wanted to hold back. He was afraid to let go of the last bit of self control; afraid he might not be able to stop. There was no shame in crying. He had cried often over silly things, together with Aiba-chan mostly. On occasion with Jun or as it turned out just the three of them. It was easy to let go with Aiba. He didn't seem to judge, he just join in and vice versa. 

He found support with his friends, and he truly loved them for caring that much. But caring felt like smothering right now and he didn't have the heart to tell them to just leave him alone for a while. They were concerned. And he got that; he understood that. Truly he did. He just grew tired from having to hear their advice, their stories, and their memories; even if he knew they meant well. Because they did. Jun and Sho talked the most in that fashion, but it was more to fill the silence and to force him to respond, so he wouldn't dwell on the bad stuff so much.

But that's what he wanted, what he needed, because he didn't want to forget the bad stuff. He didn't want to forget anything. He just couldn't and shouldn't forget, because he would feel horrible if he did. He sighed listening to the silence nature threw at him. As if it was telling him that it was all right to feel troubled and he truly felt relaxed for the first time in quite a while because he could remember what it was like - in peace - without any interruptions or concerned looks and whispers in the background.

He just needed to be him for a while. Needed to be Satoshi-kun who could let go, instead of manning up and shouldering the responsibility the others placed in him. Which sounded selfish and pretentious. It wasn't like he was pretending to be some one else. He was quite happy with the person, the man, he had become. But he couldn't deny the hardship of being that person. He didn't always have his guard up around his friends. They knew each other intimately on a level most friends couldn't even comprehend. They never had a major crisis between each other, because with five people there were plenty of views and damage control to ever let anything get out of hand and they knew how and when to give each other space. And in this case, even though they meant well, he needed more than space alone.

He stood and stretched, throwing his arms in the air reaching for the lower leaves of the oak which were just out of reach. He tried any way, jumping to reach them, which made him smile with goofiness off the futile effort. He then watched the cloud plays with the sunlight on the field and started making cartwheels as he descended down the slope, flexing his muscles in between and landing flipped over on his back in the grass between the flowers. Staring up he reached out to catch clouds with his hands, remembering the time he laid in a field watching clouds drift over a tall building making his stomach queasy, because the clouds made it look like the building was about to tumble right on top of him. 

As he ventured back to his place underneath the oak it didn't fully surprise him to see Aiba a little further away; sitting by his lonesome self watching him with a soft smile. Ohno sighed feeling busted and ashamed for leaving without saying anything. He felt anger for being discovered and intruded on. But what he loved right then and there was the absence of concern in his friend's face. There was just his usual smile, slightly cheery and sweet. It felt normal because it was Aiba. And he just sat there, watching him as he move about in the grass with his bare feet like he used to, catching the rays of sunlight between his toes.

Leaving Aiba to himself, Ohno smiled up to the sun, letting the beams warm his face for a moment. He picked flowers to take home as he jumped from one spot the other sun filled spot, ignoring the company of his friend. Aiba could have told the others; they'd come running. They both knew it. So it was reasonably save to say Aiba hadn't told them for which he was grateful. And Aiba left it to him to decide if he wanted the company at all. Which he didn't, even though the guilt was creeping up on him until he found it impossible to ignore.

Heading back to the oak he let his gaze fall upon Aiba who now lay on his back in sun, feeling quite at peace. It made Ohno smile a bit wistfully. He didn't resent Aiba for showing up, though, in the darkest part of his heart Ohno wished he hadn't. And now he wondered if he should acknowledge him more by saying something, while Aiba seemed perfectly fine with Ohno ignoring him. So, he sat down on his own beneath the branches, his back against the thick bark, arms around his knees figuring out what to do now. But the unease already settled in, making him tense up and become Ohno, the Leader, who thought it was time to head back and quit acting like a fool. He felt sorry for Satoshi, who didn't mind staying in this field forever.

He wasn't all that surprised when he heard Aiba's approach. His friend didn't quite sit down next to him but leaned against the tree instead and watched Ohno from behind.  
"You can hate me if you want," Aiba said to his back. _And thus it begins ___, Ohno's weary mind told him.  
"Of cou-"  
"Liar," interjected Aiba looking up at the crown of the tree, "You are many things, Riidaa, but you are not a liar. You can hate me, I don't mind."  
Ohno shook his head.  
"I don't hate you. No one in their right mind could actually hate you." Aiba went and sat next to him, pulling grass from the ground and twisting it between his fingers.  
"But are not happy to see me, are you?" he said from aside, glancing at his older friend.  
"No, I can't say I am. I came here to get away from you all." Aiba nodded to that watching the crumbled grass between his lean fingers.  
"I figured as much," he told his Leader in a soft tone.  
"And yet, you are here." It sounded a lot more harsh and accusing than Ohno intended. He was trying to get control over the negative emotions when Aiba nudged him by bumping his shoulder against Ohno's.  
"You can be mad at me."  
"I don't want to be mad at you, Aiba-chan" Ohno sighed defeated, "Let just go home."  
"I don't want to go home," Aiba countered, leaning back watching the leaves above their heads like Ohno had done earlier, "It's peaceful here. I like it. You've picked a great spot to escape from us."  
"Clearly I didn't succeed at escaping, seeing as you are here."

Aiba smiled.  
"Want to know how I found you?" He sounded cheery as he let himself lie on his back reaching out to the leaves. Ohno shook his head. He honestly didn't want to know, but he had a good hunch.  
"Bet you'll never guess," Aiba told him.  
"You followed me?" Ohno sighed conceding to play the game Aiba wanted to play.  
"I wasn't up THAT early. Besides, Sakurai-kun dragged me out of my house. I've skipped breakfast and lunch. I'm so hungry that even you look good enough to eat."  
There was a distinct teasing note in his voice, one which reminded him of many things. Things Aiba might even be aware of, so he ignored it. Instead he sighed faking annoyance, making sure his slight adversity was noted by the other.  
"Kurisu-chan told you?" That was a long shot, but the best case scenario. The name was spoken softly by him, almost like a hesitation. He paused his breathing when a flood of memories passed his mind's eye in the blink of a second and filled his senses with a haywire of emotions he tried to process and discard. 

Aiba smiled at his friend, which Ohno regarded with some condemnation. If Ohno wasn't going to be cuddly, Aiba figured he was just going to have to get hugged on his own. He leaned his head on Ohno's shoulder.  
"No, it wasn't her," he let his friend know, hearing the deep out let of breath held in.  
"Anna-san then?" More hesitation as he looked at Aiba from the side. "But you don't really know her. So I don't get how you can know this place."  
"She wrote me a letter," Aiba said softly, "Kurisu-chan gave it to me some time after the funeral."

Ohno stayed silent; there wasn't a whole lot he could say to this as he tried to sort out the emotions triggered by Aiba's comment. FIRST of all, she'd chosen to write to Aiba. Which was weird because it meant that some one she hardly knew took priority over him! And even if he knew - deep down inside - that this couldn't possibly be the case, he felt hurt and forsaken. Second, SHE had chosen to write to AIBA! With the absurdity of this notion Ohno felt agitated; a fuck load of emotions and thoughts ran rampage through his brain, and none of them were very positive to begin with. He wanted to act upon the anger which found root in the core of his being, But Aiba leaned into him some more, resting his hand on his shoulder where his chin was. The warmth of his body, the smell of the lingering cologne that hung around his friend made him think twice. Because after all, this was Aiba-chan. The one who wouldn't hurt a fly. The one he could count on. The one he... Aiba sighed and said to no one in particular: "So, I kind of know."

This was the prompt at which he was supposed to ask the follow up question: 'what exactly do you think you know?' but he couldn't. He was afraid to find out what Aiba knew. Afraid to know what is in that letter.  
"I don't want to talk about this," Ohno said, leaving Aiba to rest his head and hand on his shoulder while he stared at the grass; knees drawn up to his chin, his hands circling them.  
"I'm not saying you have to," was the soft response.  
"And don't get any ideas neither," Ohno said quickly making Aiba laugh silently, but he could feel the smile his friend was sporting being bright and good humoured; a typical Aiba-being-happy smile.  
"I never get any ideas," he countered amused.

"Do you want to know what the letter said?" he asked some quiet moments later in which the lay side by side staring up at the branches of the tree.  
"It's addressed to you, so I don't really know if you should tell me."  
Aiba shrugged unconcerned.  
"I've read it about a hundred times by now. I can recite it word for word - any time you change your mind and want to know."  
They stayed quiet again before Ohno sighed giving up pretending there was nothing bothering him.  
"I don't want to know, I just need to know why. Why did she write to you?"  
Aiba stayed silent for a moment processing the question. He might have the image to be a little airheaded, that didn't mean he wasn't smart enough to catch on.  
"Are you asking out of jealousy?"  
Ohno thought about it for all of two seconds and nodded slow and reluctantly.  
"I am. She left me nothing at all and yet here you are telling me she left you a letter. You don't even know her."  
Aiba smiled softly, getting on his knees turning to Ohno so he couldn't escape looking at him.  
"Well, it might be addressed to me; the whole thing was about you. Well and me, of course, but mainly about you. She did truly love you, you know."  
Ohno stayed silent. He didn't need the conformation.  
"And she is - was - truly worried about you." The use of the past tense hurt and Ohno saw he wasn't the only one, though, he had trouble figuring out if Aiba was just copying his feelings of grief or if he really knew her all that well - which he doubted.  
"And none of us expect you to pull through this over night, Ohno-san," Aiba continued, "But maybe - just maybe - we went a little overboard with our concern."  
Ohno smiled, the soft twitch in the corners of his mouth made Aiba's grow.

"Ohno-san," his friend said softly and again, it struck Ohno that he called him Ohno-san instead of Oh-chan. Aiba's smile had grown a little shy-ish as he tilted his head slightly.  
"What?" Ohno asked, taking note of the hidden emotions crossing those brown eyes of his. Aiba seemed to weigh his words and shook his head after a moment.  
"Nothing. It just that she didn't leave you with nothing, exactly. She left you with her single most loved possession. She left you her daughter."


End file.
